Connecting with your child through PACE
The principles of PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy) are particularly helpful when supporting children and young people who experience difficulty with emotional regulation. They have been used to build therapeutic relationships for many years. This overview summarises key ideas from Dan Hughes, clinical psychologist and author of the PACE model, and his colleagues.
PACE is a way of thinking, feeling, communicating and behaving. It aims to make children feel safe. It helps develop a foundation of trust and security, allowing children to feel more connected to and understood by the important people in their lives. It's based upon what we have learned about the intuitive ways parents connect with their very young infants.
Using PACE can help you to slow down your reactions, stay calm, and tune into what your child is experiencing in the moment. It pays attention to emotional connection and understanding your child's internal experience, supporting you to gain a better understanding of what your child is feeling. In tricky moments, it allows you to stay emotionally regulated and guide your child through heightened emotions, thoughts and behaviours. In turn, PACE helps children and young people to slow down their own responses.
Playfulness
Play, fun, joy and laughter are essential for wellbeing. Playfulness in our interactions means being open, relaxed, and engaged. It means learning how to use a light tome in your voice, like you might use when storytelling (rather than a stern tone). It's about having fun and a sense of joy or delight. When you relate with a playful attitude, it keeps the interaction light and upbeat. It can help diffuse a difficult or tense situation; children are less likely to respond with anger and defensiveness.
Accepting
This is about accepting that whatever your child (or you) are feeling right now is ok. Accepting your child's thoughts, feelings, and perceptions without judgement. You may not agree with their interpretation, but you accept their feelings about it. It's their experience and this is important; do not minimise or invalidate it.
Show them it’s ok to feel the way they do - actively communicate to your child that you accept their feelings and thoughts underneath the behaviour. We want children to share their feelings and want them to feel that it is safe to do so.
Acceptance does not mean you have to accept the behaviour if this is harmful to themselves or to another person. Children need limits as it helps them to feel safe. We can limit the behaviour while at the same time understanding and accepting the motives.
For example, if your child hits out at you when they are angry at a decision you have made, you might say
“I can see you’re really mad at me right now for saying ‘no’. It’s ok to feel mad about that, I sometimes feel mad when I’m not able to do something I want to. It’s ok to feel like that. But it’s not ok to hit when you feel like that. Hitting hurts. It’s never ok to hurt someone.”
Our tone of voice is key to communicating acceptance. Using a light and gentle tone and maintaining a non-judgemental stance are important here. This can take some practice to be able to apply when in the midst of responding to heightened emotions.
Curiosity
If you can stay curious about why your child is behaving as they are, you're both less likely to feel cross, frustrated or alarmed. With curiosity, you're trying to show you simply wish to understand why. Your intentions are to truly understand and help your child, not to lecture.
Curiosity without judgment is how you help your child become aware of their inner life, involuntary feelings and reflect upon reasons for their behaviour. Curiosity involves approaching in a conversational way with a quiet, accepting tone:
“What do you think that was about?” or “I wonder what…?”
You say this without anticipating an answer or response from your child. This is different from asking the child, “Why did you do that?” with the expectation of a reply. Even when difficult, curiosity works best when communicated without annoyance about the behaviour.
This approach supports learning for the future by offering a chance to talk about what has happened in a non-judgmental manner. Sometimes this is not possible in the moment, so it might be something that you come back to days later when it feels like that re-connection has been established.
Empathy
This is about putting yourself in someone else's shoes and allowing yourself to feel what they must be feeling. You are standing alongside them while you recognise and respond to their emotional experience. Empathy gives you a sense of compassion for your child and their feelings and is a way to help them carry and contain big emotions.
With empathy, when a child is sad or in distress, you're feeling the sadness and distress with them and letting them know that. It is more than reassurance. You're telling your child that they will not have to deal with the distress alone; you we will get through this together.
PACE in practice
As with anything, being PACEful in your responses takes practice. It is a different and sometimes counter-intuitive way of responding to tricky situations; you will not get it right all the time. Whilst many situations will require spontaneous responses, it might be possible to think ahead and plan around particular ‘pinch points’. Consider what tasks/activities might be tricky for your child, how they are likely to react, and how you can respond with PACE.
Managing situations that require us to be PACEful can be stressful and challenging. You will need to rely on the support of your friends and family at times. Think about your support network, be mindful of your own emotions, and be kind to yourself.
For more information, visit Dr Hughes' website - DDP Network
